Getting the Most Out of Facebook

(Trigger Warning: May offend the P’s: Perfect Parents who bred the most Popular child Prodigies)

To:                  Susan Berardi

From:              Your friendly Facebook team

Re:                  Getting the most from your Facebook account

Date:               November 5, 2018

Hello, Susan!

Congratulations on your ten-year anniversary with Facebook! We’re celebrating your loyalty with daffodils and diamonds, meaning brand new features that will help you blossom and shine in status and popularity among your stagnant number of friends!

We want you to get the most out of everything Facebook offers, and we’ve provided several tips and tools below to increase your following and come away with a whole new perspective of your value and importance. We noticed your current number of friends ranks in the bottom one percent of your friends’ numbers of friends. Not only can you increase the number of friends you have, you can elevate the quality of those relationships to boost your self-esteem and meet your daily needs for admiration and validation. Try one of these evidence-based, peer-reviewed strategies:

  • Post an accomplishment at least once a day. Our studies show that for your age group, the best way to gain followers on Facebook, and in person, is to post pictures or videos of your children’s latest success stories. These may include 1) sports or academic achievements; 2) teen birthday gifts—the more expensive, the better; or 3) pre-Homecoming pictures of your child and his friends with their most sought-after dates, posed in an idyllic setting, e.g., beside the pool of their wealthiest friend, in front of a turn-of-the-century mansion, or by the Maserati you rented for Junior to drive to Homecoming with his plus one and another lucky couple. If your child doesn’t have these kinds of accomplishments, consider becoming the #1 fan of one of your friends’ children.
  • Change your profile picture weekly. The fastest way to receive affirmative comments is to post a close-up picture of your night out with the girls to see Fifty Shades Freed in that hot little black dress. Be prepared for comments like: “Still got it!” “Smokin’ hot mama!” and “My husband just called you a MILF!”
  • Duck faces. It’s not just for teenagers.
  • Angry political posts. Nothing solidifies your status as the intellectual giant among your peers like a derogatory post about the opposition. If you include a nasty meme or a link to the latest, craziest conspiracy theory, watch your Likes go through the roof!
  • Be careful what you Like. You might be “friends” with other parents whose posts include an upcoming sensory-friendly movie night or a photo of their daughter riding her new adaptive tricycle, but you don’t want their number of Likes to exceed yours.
  • Stay away from recipes, links to clever Harry Potter t-shirts, and Book Club announcements. Nothing tanks your status faster than appearing to be unopinionated or carrying a book instead of a magazine.

Last thoughts.

You might have seen an article on Forbes.com citing a new study that claims Facebook leads to depression. This is fake news! Do not read, do not share, do not believe.

New Study Links Facebook to Depression

Second, in the spirit of offering both sides of the argument, here is a worthy suggestion from a mom writing on the Berkeley Parents Network:

“I suppose some parents brag about their kids in a competitive or comparative way, but I’d guess that for many they are simply expressing their love for their kids and their excitement about their qualities or achievements. Your post is probably a good reminder that one can easily go overboard in this direction, but try to have compassion for these over-enthusiastic moms and dads. Certainly better to be happy and positive about their kids than the opposite!”

Again, congratulations, Susan, on ten years! And remember our motto:

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