Parents’ Bill of Rights

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents are inherently flawed, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Sleep, Liberty from Unrealistic Expectations, and the Pursuit of Alcohol.

….That whenever any form of social hierarchy becomes destructive to our ends, it is our Right to alter or to abolish it, and to organize its powers in such form, as to us shall seem most likely to effect our sanity and our children’s Safety and Happiness.

Therefore, after a long chain of abuses, We the Average reserve these rights:

  • To attend school functions in sweatpants and t-shirts, without make-up or contacts or need of justification, like “I just came from the gym,” or “I’m building a house for Habitat for Humanity.”
  • To forget Wednesday is “Neon Day” at our child’s school; to dress our first grader in gray because we don’t own any neon apparel and refuse to run out at 7:00 in the morning to buy something; to strangle any kid that gives our kid shit about NOT wearing neon.
  • To vociferously advocate for our child during her I.E.P. meeting without being considered a “problem parent,” or a bitch.
  • To send our child to school with a Lunchable instead of organic food.
  • To bottle feed. (Gasp!)
  • To NOT take photos of any child after the second-born, because, let’s face it. We have no time, and the camera’s never charged anyway.
  • To record another parent screaming at the umpire for three full minutes after her perfect child strikes out swinging. Then, when that parent posts a picture on Facebook of her perfect child holding the team’s first-place trophy, to reply to her post with the video, complete with a tagline of her child’s stats for the game—two errors, walk, 0-3 at the plate—and a “One proud Mama!”
  • To feel like throwing out the baby with the bathwater after five nights of sleep deprivation from a six-week-old infant who is clearly a vindictive, screaming child of the devil.
  • To hope for underachievers. They’re a lot cheaper.
  • To NOT live vicariously through our child.

What rights would you include? Feel free to comment!


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